How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
