What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
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