All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
