Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Randomize
