i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Randomize
