i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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