if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Randomize
