In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
