I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
and you fell through a lawn chair
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
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