in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
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