I wish I could teleport
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Randomize
