I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love