i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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