Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
