It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
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