Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
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