hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
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