I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
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