Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
