he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
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