dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Randomize
