fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
how do you play pong handcuffed?
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
