3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
