someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
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