she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
