I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
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