i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
