My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
