when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
