so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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