he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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