I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
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I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
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I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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