Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
