i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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