weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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