Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
