She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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