did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
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Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
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This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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