we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Randomize
