we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
This toilet bowl is my home.
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