I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
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