You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
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