But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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