I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
