I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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