I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
