Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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