It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
