Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I have feelings that need drinking.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Randomize
