If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
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