if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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