Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize