Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
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