She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Randomize
