If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
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