Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
