from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Randomize
