I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
