You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Randomize
