Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Randomize
